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Hap Collins

Hap is working as a security guard at a local chicken plant. It is a better job than the other plant offered of jacking off roosters but still not that great. He is now gun certified so he could get the job. He is also a great shot. He prefers Popeye's biscuits to KFC. He moved out of Leonard's place and is now living in the top half of a duplex that had the bottom half burned out. He has been working out a lot and has lost weight. He still has one CD and no player. He and Leonard have a big discussion about organ size and breast size. Hap tries to convince Leonard that size doesn't matter. He is a terrible pool player but Leonard is worse. He drinks Sharp's nonalcoholic beer, Diet Coke, and iced tea. He does drink real beer in Mexico instead of the water. He isn't against homosexuality but he still doesn't like to see men kiss. He thinks it is due to his East Texas Baptist upbringing. He doesn't really like being on the water, especially the ocean. The Titanic book A Night to Remember made him seasick. He and Leonard get seasick on their cruise and Hap thinks about The Poseidon Adventure. He does recall family fishing on a rowboat in the Sabine River. He voted Republican once in a governor's election. He likes to read Larry McMurtry. He also read Old Man and the Sea. He has traveled to Mexico a lot. He likes archaeology and has ever since he was a boy and worked as a shovel boy for Sam Whiteside. He even thought of teaching it or history and at the end of the book he is taking some college history classes. He keeps condoms in his wallett and is a believer in safe sex. He is not a good joke teller. He tells one about a cowboy, an Indian, and a horse going for a possee but it keeps bringing women. Leonard doesn't laugh. He once visited a roadside attraction of the Giant Rats of Sumatra but they were shaved possums. He remembers running over a catand recalls the terrified look in the cat's eyes.

Leonard Pine

Leonard is also a security guard at the chicken plant. He drinks Dr Pepper. He listens to Johnny Cash. He still has Bob the armadillo. Leonard's boyfriend takes care of Bob while Leonard is gone. He hated the movie the postman, who didn't? He called it purgatory with popcorn. He has a great scene with an usher on the boat who wants Leonard and Hap to wear a coat and tie. He reads Huck Finn on the cruiseand Andrew Vachss Dead and Gone. He buys a big ugly sombrero in Mexico that says Mexico on it. He still likes vanilla cookies, cream or wafers.

Brett-Once again she is Hap's girlfriend.

Tillie-Her daughter, the once and future hooker.

Jimmy-Brett's son.

Jim Bob Luke-Hog farmer and private investigator from Pasadena.

Veil-Lawyer friend of Hap's.

Jake-LaBorde detective.

Phil-LaBorde policeman.

John-Leonard's boyfriend. He is younger than Leonard, not as macho but not a skipper either. Leonard will even share his vanilla cookies with him.

Ella May Drew-Works at the chicken plant and helps Hap save the girl.

Charlie Blank-Police friend of Hap's who likes te old Kung-Fu TV show and Hawaiian shirts.

Marvin Hanson-Former police lieutenant, now in a wheelchair. He is studying Shen Chuan and Hap Kido.

Rachel-Marvin's wife.

Sarah Bond-The girl who is saved by Hap.

Elmer Bond-Sarah's father and owner of the chicken plant who gives Hap $100,000 and a month off.

Bill Merchant-Sarah's attacker.

Marlie-Bartender at LaBorde Rec Hall.

Phileep-Usher on the boat who causes Hap and Leonard lost of trouble.

Ernesto-Head waiter on the boat.

Bill and Wilamena-Texans on the cruise.

Cesar-Friend of Jim Bob's in Mexico.

Hermonie-Cesar's wife who is very disappointed in her life.

Tono-Cesar's former partner.

Ferdinand-Rescuer of Hap and Leonard.

Beatruce-Ferdinand's daughter who is missing the tip of her finger.

Jose-Part time help for Ferdinand on his fishing boat.

Juan Miguel-Big time bad guy in Mexico who Ferdinand and Beatrice owe a lot of money to.

Ileana-His wife.

Carmelo-Juan's son.

Oso or Hammerhead-Huge henchman for Juan who likes to cut off fingers.

Billy Sullivan or Blondie-Rich brat of a dude who, while in jail with Hap and Leonard, watches Hap do his bathrrom duties too closely so Hap wipes his face with it.

Jason or Mole Face-Buddy of Billy's.

Landis or Black Guy-Another buddy.


Tyler, Texas where the Baptists like sex good as anybody.

I like any size tittie long as it's a friendly tittie.

I'm not accusing her of intelligence.

I felt as if I had been wrapped in duct tape and rolled down a rocky mountain side into a brick wall with my nuts in my teeth.

My dad was Mr. Collins and he didn't like being called that either.

Leonard's about as romantic as a hand job.

It might be nice to masturbate in an exotic location for a change.

People in Hell want ice water.

Looked as if he had eaten a persimmon and it was caught tight in his bowels.

When it comes to the baddest sonofabitch on the block, nature wins hands down every time.

It looked like the spot where the devil went to shit.

Anyplace you can see unobstructed by trees farther than you can throw a rock makes me nervous.

What I want is to stick that machete up his ass, crank it around like I'm trying to start a prop plane.

Having not eaten in some hours, I might have enjoyed a steaming pile of dog shit on a roof shingle.

She could do more tricks with a six inch dick than a monkey could with a hundred foot grapevine.

Mexican Mambo (Hap for Montezuma's revenge)

It wagged its tail, just to let us know not to throw dirt over it.

We? You got a mouse in your pocket.

Leonard had managed to rediscover his East Texas heritage by teaching everyone on the boat all the curse words known to humanity in English.

If he had a couple of brain cells left, he must have felt his stool go loose.

I felt the boss change positions in my pants.

I wished I was ten years younger, handsome, had five million dollars, and three more inches on my dick, and my hair wasn't thinning.

While I was at it, I throw in wishing for a pastrami sandwich on rye and immortality.

I could see one of her nipples, it looked brown and friendly.

What's the answer, Oh Sage Queer?

Looked like he'd nail our balls to a log and give us a knife to free ourselves.

He had the demeanor of someone who could roll strikes with his nuts.

Those two ever went after it the sparks would fly so high that the moon would catch on fire.

He kind of laughed at what amused wolves.

Disappeared faster than sweat on an eskimo's lip.

I was realizing I had lived more life than I had left and I wasn't liking that revelation at all.

I'm always sad about something.

Like the GED, the food enough diploma, I had a good enough life which was almost like a real one.

I'm not exactly up for Pancho's Mexican Buffet but I'll guess I'll make it.


We were close enough for me to put gas in the other's tank.

You ate the stuff you could get a case of the squirts that would make a mudslime seem tame.


I'm gonna beat him until he has flashbacks of me beating him.

Break his dick in three spots, cover his balls in peanut butter, pack his asshole with with a pound of pure cane sugar and hold him down in an ant bed.

Feel like I been wiped and flushed and on my way out to sea.

Bored enough to collect farts and name them.

You are so dumb as to make a box of of ten penney nails seem high on the IQ scale.

I just don't like to be fed shit and told its tapioca.

Trying to decide how hard I'd have to pull your head for it to come off.

She's about two dogs short of a sled team.

Am I gonna have to open up an economy size can of whupass?

No one had to work hard to make you look like an asshole.

I was just made to hit that motherfucker.

Isn't he fun to hit?

I'm thinking of giving up sex just to save energy to hit him.

He's kind of an asshole but he's an asshole worth having on your side.

He dances like someone sawed off half his foot.

I wouldn't have shit a hot meal in his hand if he was dying of hunger.

His gooder and balls look like grapefruit hanging off a fencepost.


Ella Mae-

I'll teach your cock not to stand up.


Where the worst trouble you can get into is cutting a fart in the dining room.

Gettin any senorita pussy? Female chihuahuas don't count.

You step in trouble the way kids step in mud puddles.

A brain damaged chimpanzee could have done a better job.

Jim Bob-

You boys got a way of gettin your dicks between the ground and a horse hoof.

Enough money and they will think Walt Disney did it.

About as smart as two slices of bologna rubbing together on dry bread.

About as mean as a rattlesnake with a stick up his ass.

Embarrassed as a priest caught jacking off in a confessional.


You have a bad enough wreck even clean underwear will fill up.

Finding an extra pecan in your sundae is better than expected but it isn't a whole pie.

Put a sock and shoe on his dick, stroke it a couple of times, he could use it as a third leg.


After rescuing a damsel in great distress, Hap is generously rewarded by her father. Hap and Leonard decide to take a cruise. They end up stranded in an unfamiliar part of Mexico and are attacked by thugs and saved by a local man. The boys find out their helper and his daughter are in trouble and try to help only to land in jail when the man's daughter is found murdered. Hap's friend Veil helps them get out of jail but they are followed home by the murderer and one of their friends is murdered when he is thought to be Hap. The boys and friends decide to go back to Mexico for revenge.


There is no way yo describe how much I love these books. I have read each one multiple times and enjoy them more each time. This latest adventure grabs you right from the start and every time you think it is about to let you loose, it just grabs you again. It is a shame Joe doesn't write one or more of these a year.

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To Two Bear Mambo Summary.
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