Hardback edition, click for larger picture. Paperback edition, click for larger picture UK Hardcover Edition Foreign edition. Credit goes to Allen Richards and the unofiicial Joe site for this pic, http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Acropolis/3192/jpeg.html Foreign edition. Credit goes to Allen Richards and the unofiicial Joe site for this pic, http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Acropolis/3192/jpeg.html From Finland



Hap Collins

Hap had a Baptist background but now does not claim to be a Christian. Drinks diet Coke and Sharps non-alcoholic beer. Likes to watch The Three Stooges. He rents the movies Gunga Din, which he has always loved, and Jaws, that he has never seen before and is scared by it. He even pulls his feet up onto the couch in case any floor sharks go by. His last suit had a Nehru jacket. He drives a faded gray Dodge pick-up. ikes to listen to John Lee Hooker and is reading Neal Barret, Jr's, The Hereafter Gang. He also wonders why the Houston Oilers keep losing football games. He sometimes wakes up thinking of his ex-wife Trudy and what happened to her. (read Savage Season to find out) When Hap has a hard time falling asleep, he counts sheep or tries to remember the names of all the dogs he has owned. He is a Democrat if there is someone good to vote for. As a child, the movie I Married a Monster from Outer Space scared him. Hap remembers his father and the scars on his back. Hap's grandmother died when Hap's father was only eight. He was put to work in the cotton fields by his father who would beat him if he did not do the work of a man. Hap's father never learned to read and write but he worked hard all his adult life as a mechanic. He never missed a day of work and did not complain. Hap is glad he never knew his grandfather. Hap enjoys watching Zorro streak lightning. He is in his 40s.

In Mucho Mojo, he is back at work in the rose fields putting out sticks, a job he says they give the sinners in Hell. He agrees to help Leonard work on Uncle Chester's house and when a mystery is unraveled, he stays to help solve it. While doing so he nearly drowns in a van with a dead guy, gets squeezed into unconsciousness by a retarded giant, and ends up in jail with a drunk trying to put his head in his lap and who wants to call him Cheryl. If that don't make you want to read this book then you ain't right.

Leonard Pine

As a boy, Leonard loved and was loved by his Uncle Chester. Then Uncle Chester found out Leonard was gay and disowned him. When Uncle Chester died, he left it all to Leonard, including a murder mystery. Chester called Leonard his little mockingbird because he mocked Chester so much. Chester thought the birds were great.

Leonard was raised Baptist but doesn't claim it now. He liked to paint as a child and a painting he did as a boy becomes part of the mystery here. It is a painting of the old Hampstead place. He likes Dwight Yoakum, Patsy Cline, and Hank Williams. He smokes a pipe with cherry vanilla tobacco in fact he likes anything vanilla, especially vanilla cream cookies. Leonard once fought a man in the rose fields who had a knife. The man ended up in the hospital. Leonard hates laziness. He thinks people should get up and work and not depend on the government to pay them for nothing. He even lays down the law to Hap and accuses him f coasting, Hap agrees with him. Leonard's father had a college education but his mother had to work because his father would not. He took a part time job every now and then for beer money but she supported the family. He calls himself and Hap The Mysterious Duo.

Florida Grange

Lawyer for Uncle Chester who Hap falls in love with. She likes Hap a lot and they become lovers but she has a hard time with it since Hap is white. She talks a lot about the "itty-bitty dicks" of white men. She planned to be a big time criminal lawyer but got disillusioned because she was always trying to free guilty people. She eventually dumps Hap for Hanson.

Lt. Marvin "Marve" Hanson

Detective investigating the murders. Very tough guy. In the jail, when a prisoner is exposing himself and urinating on everyone and everything, Hansone "grabbed the guy's crank and yanked it as if he was popping a whip". Hap and Leonard like him a lot which bothers Hap since Florida dumps him for Hanson, but Hap thinks Hanson is a swell guy, he just hopes his dick will fall off. Marve was introduced in the Joe Lansdale novel Act Of Love.

MeMaw Carter

Lives across the street from Uncle Chester. She knew Leonard as a boy when they lived on Sheraton. She calls him Lenny. She remembers he liked pie and vanilla anything. She told him stories of Br'er Rabbit. Me Maw has 8 children, 3 boys, 5 girls. The oldest child is Pleasant. Her youngest boy is Calrence, another is Cletus, and then she says Hiram is the baby. Did Joe mess up, or the editor, or MeMaw?

Hiram Carter

MeMaw's baby who is anything but. He is a salesman in Tyler who comes back to visit every year. He has known the Reverend Fitzgerald since boyhood and was warped by the Reverend and his father.

Hamil Fitzgerald

Reverend of the First Primitive Baptist Church. He likes to box and is good at it. He and Hap go at it a couple of times. The first time for fun and it gets intense, the second time for keeps. He had an abusive upbringing and was warped by it. His stepfather killed his mother while the boy watched.

TJ-Half brother of Fitzgerald. He is retarded and very large and devoted to his brother.

Walking Boss-Hap's overseer at the rose field.

Vernon Lacy-The field boss known by Hap as Old Bastard.

Melton Donner aka Strip to his druggie friends and Mohawk by Hap-One of Uncle Chester's neighbors.

Rose Parade Float-Another neighbor.

Charlie-Hanson's partner who likes to shop at Wal-Mart.

Calhoun-Chief of Police.

Ivan Lee-Kid who ODs and is found barely alive under Chester's house.

Doc Warren-Retired coroner brought to look at the remains of the children.

Gleason-Officer killed by TJ.

Clemmon-Bar patron who takes offense at Hap being in the bar.

Illium Moon-Friend of Chester's who does much good work in the community, from bookmobile to carpentry but is killed for what he knows.


Chester's house is on Comanche street next to a crack house owned by a Mr. Otis.

Chester had a 10 foot wisteria covered post with nails driven in it and bottles hanging from the nails to ward off evil. Mucho Mojo is a combination of Spanish and African for bad magic.

Leonard and Hap spar again and discuss what a great fight it would be if they did it real. Hap thinks Leonard is better. Leonard thinks Hap is good but lacks killer instinct. He says Hap has to get real mad but could then do some real damage.

They decide to fix MeMaw's front porch and hap gets much better at carpentry.

A story is told of a man who committed suicide by putting a frayed electric cord into a glass of water and then puts his dick into it.

Hap and Leonard also talk about some really nasty urban legends that have to ddo with the dye for M&Ms and the mayonaisse at Burger King. It is very funny but extremly gross.

What does Klaatu Barada Nikto mean? It is from an old 50s science fiction movie The Day the Earth Stood Still.


From Hap;

You fuck with me, tomorrow your relatives will be splitting up your belongings.

His voice had a shrill quality like something oily was trying to crawl up his ass and he was liking it.

Is it chocolate covered and sweet and shaped like a taco and you keep it in a warm place?

Stars seemed close enough to snag with a butterfly net.

We'll stick the killer's dick in the wringer and put your hand on the crank.

He was a swell guy, I just hoped his dick would fall off.

You have such a hard time getting in touch with your true feelings.

Your humanity overwhelms me.

Bad dogs can't help but bite.

The guy made a noise like a sudden hole in a helium balloon.

Gal wants to be your friend usually means she doesn't want to be anything to you but gone.

About as inconspicuous as a pink pig in overalls.

He might as well have been standing in a bucket jerking his dick and singing a song.

Gyrates like a garter snake on a hot rock.

Hair looked like it had been combed with a bush hog.

Potholes deep enough a parachute would have been appropriate.

There's roaches in there big enough to own property.

How's it hangun, Hap
To the left.

My heart just missed a beat

Another hundred years things will get better.

Burger and fries had just the right amount of grease, there was enough to satisfy a squeaky hinge.

When its humid, I know I'm hot, when it isn't, I get the feeling I'm heating up secretly.

Looked as if she'd been boiled down and wrung out and left to dry.

Took a minute to make fun of Leonard, just to let him know I loved him, and he showed me his middle finger to show he cared about me.

Remind me to kill you in your sleep.

Making love is the same as the flow of a river.

Shack looked as if a brisk fart might knock it over.

Gotten to be a nut shy of a pecan pie.

So dark you could have pulled your dick out and put on a rubber and no one would have known it.

I wish I looked like a head-on collision between Dolly Parton and Peter Max.

From Leonard;

Not known man-eaters.

I wouldn't fuck you with Hap's dick.

You took all the psychiatric and psychology degrees in the world, balanced that paper against the truth, there wouldn't be enough to wipe a baby's ass.

I can kill the house.

You know, you gonna get where you can flush a toilet without instructions.

The Sphinx would make more sense than you.


Decide to be a fuckup, you gonna be a fuckup. From Leonard's Bible.


I got to wash my hands, I been pulling a guy's dick.

She's got a record longer than a basketball player's leg.


Book opens with Hap hard at work in the rose field. Leonard is still recuperating from their earlier adventure and comes to get Hap. Leonard's Uncle Chester has died and left Leonard his house, $100,000, a lot of coupons, a couple of keys, and a big mystery. The boys have to buy suits for the first time in years to go to the funeral.

They find a crack house next door to Uncle Chester's, which Leonard will eventually burn down, and while cleaning Chester's house they discover a trunk and a child's body under the house along with some child porn magazines. They sort through clues and eventually find more bodies under another house that has a water stain on the wallpaper that looks like Jesus. The Wallpaper of LaBorde, Texas. They discover that around the time of the East Side Summer Carnival each year, a child disappears. The child is always illegitimate and no clues are ever found. Our heroes find the clues and figure it all out but not without a lot of trouble, danger, fun, and pain. Along the way, Hap finds and loses love, again.

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