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Hap Collins

Asks Veil to defend Leonard. Hap met Veil when he was living in a commune like place in Oregon in the 60s.

Leonard Pine

Chess player and crackhouse arsonist.


Average height, slightly grey haired one time hit man turned lawyer. He has one roaming eye and a beard like a brillo pad. He agrees to defend Leonard as a favor to Hap who knows what Veil was and never talked.

Hap met him in the 60s when Veil killed a child pornographer.

Lester Rommerly

The judge.


Leonard is in jail for burning down the crack house for the fourth time. An old acquaintance of Hap's named Veil comes to defend Leonard. He uses a ploy of showing Leonard as a savior of the neighborhood by burning out the plague carrying rats. If that ploy doesn't work, they go to plan B.


Lawyers are all right. You never know when you might want one to weigh down a rock at the bottom of a lake.

That and a rubber will get us a jack off without mess.

I always thought you had that long hair so's it could help you get into fights.

Hap "Then I got stupid and.." Leonard "Oh, that's when it happened."


I think moss is starting to grow on the north side of my ass.



Hap Collins

Leonard's friend.

Leonard Pine

Vanilla cookie lover. Owns a Luger that his uncle had from WWII.

Charlie Blank

Policeman and friend who tells the boys about the old unsolved death of a chili genius.

Jack Mays

Retired cop who told Charlie about the death.


Goober Smith was the owner of the world's best chili recipe, until he was found dead and the recipe gone. Years later his death was still considered a suicide but there were questions about it. Then Leonard hears about the case and figures it all out.


From Hap

I felt like I had been plowed into the ground for fertilizer.

I think you're right for a change.

From Charlie

It's all chili through the intestines now.

Distinctive as a chicken with dentures.



Hap Collins

Hap is now gun certified for his new job as security guard at Deerstone's Chicken Processing plant. He and Brett are no longer together. Things have changed since the events in Rumble Tumble. He has moved out of Leonard's place and is living in the top floor of a duplex. He has beenn working out and has lost some weight. He traded his Chevy Nova for a pickup. He has a record player and a few records, one CD but no player. He is a lousy pool player. He drinks Sharp's nonalcoholic beer because he likes it. He also likes iced tea.

He took boat trips down the Sabine River with his family as a child. His parents never traveled much, they were always trying to save money. They ate out at Dairy Queen a lot. He also has relatives in Tyler.

He is uncomfortable when Leonard and John kiss. He gets seasick easily. He got seasick when he read A Night to Remember and he was on dry land. He voted Republican once in a Texas governor election. He uses reading glasses. He has been to Mexico many times.


Also a security guard at Deerstone's. He drinks Dr Pepper. He has a new boyfriend and will actually share his vanilla cookies with him. He is dressing better now. He listens to a Johnny Cash tape in his car. He is also a lousy pool player.


Leonard's boyfriend who works at the aluminum chair factory. He is not as macho as Lonard but he is not a skipper either.


Hap's former girlfriend who wants to part ways but not say it's over.

Marvin Hanson

Former policeman and friend of the boys. He is recovering from a coma and is in a wheelchair. He and his wire have reconciled. He is studying Shen Chuan and is forming an investiagive agency with Charlie.

Charlie Blank

Police Lt. friend who likes the Kung Fu TV show and drives a white ford, wears Hawaiian shirts. He is resigning from the police force to become a private investigator with Hanson.


Brett's daughter who has gone back to being a whore in Tyler.


Owner and bartender at the LaBorde rec center. Used to work at the aluminum chair plant with John.


Door usher on the ship whp tries to keed Hap and Leonard out of the dining area because they don't have ties.


Head waiter on the ship.

Big Bill and Wilamena

Texans on the cruise.


A yankee on the ship who shoots skeet with Hap and Leonard.

Bill Merchant

Attacker that Hap foils at the chicken plant.

Elly Mae Drew

Plant worker who helps Hap with the attacker.

Sarah Bond

Young girl attacked by Merchant.

Elmer Bond

Her father and very appreciative owner of the chicken plant. He gives Hap $100,000 and a month off for himself and Leonard.


The chicken plant serves very bad coffee that tastes like something dead is in it.

There is a big discussion about the shallowness of liking big dicks or big titties.

Bob the armadillo and Leonard are still together. John takes care of Bob while Leonard is gone.


Hap saves the life of a girl and her father rewards Hap with $100,000 and a month off. Hap and Leonard decide to take a cruise on The Sea Pleasure.


From Hap

Sex and chicken processing, two of life's mysteries.

Like I was trying to beat to death with my pelvis something that was already dead.

I like any size tittie. Long as it's a friendly tittie.

A whimper as if a puppy were dying under an automobile tire.

He began to beat his chest like Tarzan and yell.

I'm not accusing her of intelligence.

I felt as if I had been wrapped in duct tape and rolled down a rocky mountainside into a brick wall with my recently castrated nuts in my teeth.

Color of mustard, or if you really want to get technical, baby shit.

Leonard's about as romantic as a hand job.

Our luck is stilon, only it's bad uck.

(The movie) Postman was purgatory with popcorn.

People in Hell want ice water.

Lobster was awful, might be a big boiled cockroach.

Looked as if he had eaten a persimmon and it was caught tight in his bowels.

When it comes to the baddest sonofabitch on the block, nature wins hands down.

From Marlie

Do that again, gonna wake up peeing through a tube.

From Elly Mae

I'll teach your cock not to stand up.

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