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Hap Collins

Hap is in his mid forties and has been working on an offshore rig as a heavy oiler which means he pours oil in machinery. He made good money but runs through it fast during this adventure. He has been gone from home several months. He tries to get a job at the aluminum chair factory and a security guard job at the chicken plant.
He drives a blue 1979 Datsun pickup and has an old fashion poster bed in his house. There is a creek on his property or adjacent to it. He watches David Letterman and John Wayne movies late at night. His tv has aluminum foil on the rabbit ears to improve reception. He doesn't own a CD player but has some CDs. He drinks Cokes and nonalcoholic beer and at one point he pours peanuts in a diet Coke. I can remember pouring peanuts in drinks as a kid but it was Dr Pepper. He reads Batman and Spiderman comic books. Dressing up means dark slacks, dark blue sport coat, light blue shirt and a tie in his pocket. He still doesn't like guns or killing but he shoots well and has killed when he has too. He is for equal rights for women.
Hap's favorite movie is Casablanca and his second favorite is To Have and Have Not. He hates The Sound of Music. He used to get his hair cut at a barber college but decided three bucks was too much for what they did to him. He now has a bald spot in the top of his head. Coincidence? I don't know. Hap wore his hair long in the 60s and had lots of fights in high school. He would try diplomacy but he says he was too quick to use his fists. When he loses his temper he gets very savage and feels bad about it afterwards.

Leonard Pine

Leonard is unemployed again since he lost his job as a bouncer at the Hot Cat Club for urinating on a customer. He is also single again since Raul has left him for someone called Horse Dick, who Leonard later beats up in a biker bar called The Blazing Wheel. Leonard is quick to lose his temper. This helps bring about the accusations later that Leonard killed the guy.
Leonard is driving an old white Rambler but it gets burned up by the bikers in Bill Duffins pasture. He then starts driving a rented Chevy. He is still smoing his pipe and we are told he wears black Roper boots.
While hiding from the cops, Leonard camps out in the woods near the Robin Hood tree that we first heard of in Savage Season. He gets a tick on his testicles in a place where he can't get it off. Hap refuses to help him and tells him to burn it off but when Leonard tries it, he burns himself and gets mad at Hap.

Brett Sawyer

Redheaded nurse at the hospital with quite a past, great legs, and a beautiful smile. She is divorced from her abusive husband Earl who she beat in the head with a shovel and set on fire in 1985. She was raised in Gilmer, Texas. She was a cheerleader and was once queen of the Yamboree Festival there. Hap remembers going to the festival before. She went on the pill at age 16 because as she says she "loved to fuck". She has a 27 year old son named Jimmy who lives in Austin. Her daughter is named Tillie and is a hooker in Denver with her pimp named Milo. Her favorite movie is To Have and Have Not and her second favorite is The Sound of Music. She is also quite the romantic, she shaves herself for Hap.

Old Beebo-The squirrel that bit Hap.

Dr. Sylvan -Hap's doctor.

Charlie Blank-Police lieutenant and friend of Hap and Leonard who likes porkpie hats and Kmart shoes. His wife Amy leaves him for an insurance agent.

Pierre -Owner of Antone's Barber and Beauty College.

George Waggoner-Night foreman at LaBorde Fowl Processing Plant.

Jake -LaBorde police officer.

Delores -Secretary at Antones.

Ella Maine -Nurse friend of Brett's who lives in a trailer park out past an old country store where Hap once bought a bad barbecue sandwich.

Kevin -Her abusive husband.

Raul -Leonard's ex who gets mixed up in a gay bashing video selling deal and gets murdered.

Horse Dick McNee aka Bill Jenkins -Undercover cop and Raul's new boyfriend who gets killed on Old Pine Road.

Charles Arthur -The Chili King, owner of King Arthur's Chili who is running an illegal grease selling operation, stealing grease and selling it to recyclers.

Kinney aka Pock Face and Booger -Henchmen for Man Mountain.

Man Mountain -Former pro wrestler who is now in the gaybashing video trade. He is also quite adept at torture.

G. H. Bissingame -Words for Arthur in many ways.

Helen-Arthur's secretary.

Dick Cheese aka Moose and Not a Moose -Security men for Arthur.

Jim Bob Luke -Private investigator who is looking for clues to the gay bashings and ends up tailing hap and Leonard and later saves Hap. He drives a yellow 66 Pontiac but prefers his old red 50s Cadillac that he calls the red Bitch.

Old Lady Elmore -Head nurse at hospital.

Leon and Clinton-Twin friends of Leonard's that he once beat up and now help him out from time to time. Here they are used to guard Brett.


While he is in the hospital, Hap names the pigeons on the window sill Tom, Dick, Harry, Fred, George, Sally Ann, Mildred and Bruce. He calls their piles of manure Leonard. He gets upset because Leonard doesn't visit.

They eat at a Taco Bell.

Hap and Leonard hate yard butts as they call the cut out figures in peolpe's yards that are supposed to look like old people bending over and showing their underwear. Leonard would like to get some and put vaginas and buttholes on them.

Hap and Brett go to eat at an expensive place called the West Coast.

Hap and Leonard often fight.

LaBorde is almost 3 hours from Houston and 60 miles from Louisiana.

Hap writes Leonard a note and signs it Mom.

Hap gives descriptions of all the old haircuts you could get at barber college from Dust Bowl Oakie and Mental Health and Retardation cut, to the G.I. cut, and Little Man #1 and #2.


The story opens with Leonard upset because Raul has left him and he has lost his job. While the pair are discussing these events in a pasture where they have been target shooting, they are attacked by a rabid squirrel. Hap is bitten before they are able to kill the squirrel. Hap has to get rabies shots but cannot afford them and the only way his insurance will pay is if he spends some days in the local hospital. The hospital stay becomes very eventful. Hap meets Brett Sawyer and falls in love, again. Raul's boyfriend is beaten up by Leonard and later found murdered and Leonard becomes suspect number one. Hap sneaks out of the hospital to find Leonard. He finds Leonard and learns that Leonard did not commit the murder and then Raul is found murdered, too. Hap and Leonard get involved trying to find out exactly what happened since the police can't or won't. Along the way, they have run ins with a crooked grease stealing Chili King, a former pro wrestler who is selling illegal videotapes of attacks on gay men, and a tornado that seems to be after Hap and Brett.


If you have never seen an agitated squirrel you have seen very little.

It wasn't going to let a little thing like a bullet make it give in.

She had legs that would have made the pope abuse himself in the Vatican toilet.

I'm a Hardy boy, and you're Nancy Drew.

I hear the word refined, Leonard, I think of you.

It takes a real man to lay down in pig shit and not complain.

Had all the street savvy of a broken knick knack.

Sky was as clear as the Virgin Mary's conscience.

The air was full of pollen. Every time I took a breath, it was like sniffin flour.

Life was starting to get in the way.

The eyeball is connected to the crotch in men.

A Texans idea of salad is a few bananas and strawberrys in a mold of lime Jello.

Balls felt as if someone had borrowed them for a game of ping pong and put them back in reverse.

I'd rather have my dick nailed to a burning building than to sit through that again.

I'm giving up farm animals for you.

She could make me take a tire tool to Minnie Mouse.

Sometimes they are out to get you.

He'd show up again, like a pee stain in your shorts.

Unseasonably hot, like two rats in caps andsweaters in a wool sock ander a sun lamp.

A health food place, so most of the food tasted like yesterday's dog shit.

I'm amazed at how little I know about human nature.

Last sentimental thought they had was watching a puppy go under their car wheel and hoping it didn't pop their tires.

He looked as if he could eat ground glass and chew nails.

A snapshot of a human brain was smarter than they were.

All the brain surgeon jobs were taken.

I hope you've had your Malt-o-Meal.

Had a cleft chin deep enough to hide a dried pea.

He's got a rap sheet longer than the pope's robes.

It was as lonesome in there as Custer on the Little Big Horn.

They'll take them apart and reassemble them so they don't match up.

W3e had bucked like colts, squirmed like snakes, rolled like seals, and done some cheap disgusting things that made us happy.


How would you like me to kick your nasty little ass?

I was kinda hopin his mama brought him here to be put to sleep like a sick cat.

We're like the Hardy Boys.

I wouldn't fuck him if we were double baggin and using your dick with a rubber on it.

I hit him so hard I bet his dog back home shit a turd in the shape of a praying Jesus.

I hit him so hard I may even have changed his past.

Ain't nobody but the Devil gonna know their names.

It tasted like it was rolled in someone's dirty socks.


I'll shotthim so full of holes, he'll think he's a tennis net.

I wear that, when I walk it looks like my thingamajig is shellin a walnut.

He was trying to learn not to lick his fingers when he got a single square breakthrough.

The guy's a turd, flush him.


Charlie-There's a redhead in there would make you write a hot check and rob a filling ststion.

Jim Bob-Couldn't hit a circus elephant in the ass with a trick stool.
Sniff deep and you can have a Mexican dinner secondhand

Mama's little baby loves shortnin' shortnin', Mama's little baby loves shortnin' bread.

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